Up in a tree.

Yesterday was the fourth of July and I had a pretty good reminder of how I never seem to fit in to social functions or group norms. The night when most people get together with friends and family, to enjoy some food, beer and watch the fireworks (whether they are patriotic or not), I ended up sitting in a tree in the woods reading a book written by an 85 year old Vietnamese Buddhist monk. I walked away from the explosions in the sky to find some old Birch and Oak friends of mine. After a bit of searching I found a nice old Birch and climbed up about 25 feet until I got to a good thick limb to sit on. I pulled out Thich Nhat Hanh's "Peace is every breath" and read about a third of it before climbing down, hiking for awhile and then finally heading home.

While I was up in that tree, it dawned on me as to how odd I must seem to most people. It seems like I avoid whenever possible our social traditions and have this innate desire to refute whatever the general public views as normal or mandatory. If you know me at all, you know what I mean. I'm sure there are exceptions, but this is how it seems to be, by in large. It gives me mixed feelings about myself. When people I love are spending their holiday with people, at a get together of some sort and I am sitting alone in the woods, up in a tree I feel a freedom and happiness because somehow at least a small part of the social conditioning our country puts us all through didn't stick. However, it also fosters a very strong sense of isolation. I don't ever recall being in a group of people and not feeling as though I didn't belong. I've never had that easy connection that seems to be so innate and genuine in most people I meet. I wish I could have that. I feel as though I'm stuck in a world of opposites, where everything I like seems to be what people avoid, and what I avoid seems to be what people like. Maybe I just haven't been around "the right people", as my sister told me recently, but I'm skeptical. This is my problem of course, and it is small and inconsequential, but it has plagued me for a very long time and I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be surrounded by people and feel "this is where I belong", or if I will forever follow in the footsteps of Bill Porter when he said "It must be my Karmaic heritage, as soon as I become part of a group, I'm looking for a way out".

So, just some thoughts on my mind lately I suppose. Funny that my mind was so filled with a problem I've been facing while I was reading a book on how to mindful of the present. I guess I was a bad Buddhist that day. The fireflies were wonderful that night though, and I have a lot of love for the tree I climbed. I think he and I will be good friends, as I plan to visit him again very soon.

~Haiku: Birch.

Explosions a world away.
I sit here alone,
High on a birch limb, quiet.